Now, you cannot simply just visit a country without having a bit of an insight into the local culture and customs, therefore I decided to help you understand the dynamics in UK, before you get there.
Please note, this (extremely funny and on point) post was originally shared in a Facebook Group I belong to, and has no intention to offend anyone. In fact, every Brit I know found it very relatable. After living in UK for 9 years and feeling very British myself, I can relate to many (way too many) of these statements too!
Here are the typical so-very-British behaviours.
In social situations:
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best.
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”. In fact, being unable to finish any conversation or change the subject without saying ‘right’ first.
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it.
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up.
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether.
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever. And explain to others not to follow the new order.
• Also, mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever.
• Correcting someone’s grammar or pretending you don’t understand their accent when losing in an argument.
• Mentioning the weather at least once in social interactions and usually complaining about the state of it (too hot/too cold, never just perfect).
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’.
• Apologising for not smoking when someone asks for a lighter.
• Saying ‘sorry’ when someone walks into you and getting annoyed when they don’t apologise back.
• In fact, saying ‘sorry’ in other situations, regardless of whether they require an apology, i.e: when someone lets us pass through first, when wanting to say something, when disagreeing with someone, when bringing disapproval of someone’s behaviour to their attention.
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”.
• Responding with ‘Fine, thanks’ even when you are on your death bed.
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible. Or loudly, in capital letters.
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it. Quietly suffering when someone actually does.
• Rejecting favours at least twice before ‘reluctantly’ accepting them.
When travelling and commuting::
• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”.
• Queuing before boarding the transportation and silently suffering when others don’t follow this sort of order.
• Avoiding sitting next to someone on public transport at all costs.
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home.
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit.
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector.
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand.
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”.
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it.
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon.
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave.
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck.
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands.
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink. Forgetting to take them with you when shopping. Every single time. Regretfully spending 5p on new ones. Every single time.
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again.
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested. Saying it is perfect not to hurt hairdresser’s feelings.
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”.
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about. Refusing to drink it cold.
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake and you can’t change your mind now.
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit. Please appreciate it.
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing.
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again.
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again.